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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
A place for humour, post nicely, minimal swearing, preferably censored (we get it) and enjoy a chuckle or two.
Borrorowed a couple of faves from SF.org, you may have heard them before.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart
and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls
and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them
into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,
said quietly to his son...
"Go get your mother."
 

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Discussion Starter #2
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P Stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log. S Stands for the corrective action taken by the service mechanics.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note:this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up,fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
__________________
 

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LOL! With such rebellious mechanics, I'm surprised that Qantus has not had an accident!

In my younger days, I used to have trouble making decisions. Now I'm not so sure.
 

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Very very funny. I am enjoying this thread!
 

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A traveller is checking in for his flight. As he loads his bag onto the weigh-scale, he says to the attendant "I'm going to Dubai, but I'd like you to send my bag to Darwin". She says "Why Sir, thats not possible!". "Hah" says the traveller, "of course it is, you did it last time!"
 

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The guest speaker at a paranormal conference asks the assembled audience "Has any body ever make love to a ghost" ......
You sir, in the third row, you have had sex with a ghost?

"Oh GHOST ..... sorry I thought you said Goat!"
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I met my boss in the parking lot. I noticed his brand new Mercedes.

"That's a nice new car you have there.", I said to him

"Yes, and you know what? If you work hard, really apply yourself, put in those extra hours, next year I will be able to afford a better one."
_
 

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Discussion Starter #11
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb ***, get in."
 

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Discussion Starter #12
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of

toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in

front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will

this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I

stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between

my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ***, didn't it?

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.
 

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Well, I guess the ice has been broken with the "breast" joke, so I guess a "testicle" joke would not be out of place.... it is clean.

A man is very concerned because he has three testicles. He decides to see a doctor about this. His first question is: will I have any problems making love. The doctor assures him that there will be no problems performing, from a physical standpoint (no pun intended). Besides, to make light of the situation and spread some comic relief he says "can you imagine the number of bets you can win?"
The man scratches his stubbly beard and then his face lights up with understanding. As he leaves the clinic, he stops the first man on the street and says to him "I bet you $5 that between you and I, we have 5 testicles". The other man says, "You're on! Here's my one, where's your four?"
 

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Not sure if you guys have read this one before

The Inexperienced Curry Taster

Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named FRANK who was visiting India.

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CURRY 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.


CURRY 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE 2: Exciting barbecue flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down The Barn Curry
JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE 2: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

CURRY 4: Babu's Black Magic
JUDGE 1: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE 2: Hint of lime in the black beans, Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

CURRY 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong curry, cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerably kick, very impressive.
JUDGE 2: Curry using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw the lot of them

CURRY 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

CURRY 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE 1: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and wouldn't feel a damn thing, I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

CURRY 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE 1: A perfect blending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE 2: This final entry is a good, balanced curry neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry.
FRANK: (editor's note: Judge 3 was unable to report).
 

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Need some car security? image.jpg
 

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LOL, funny indeed. Looks like you'll also get car scratches and dents (without any person ever having touched the car) in addition to car security!
 

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Clarry goes to the doctor complaining that he's allways tired.
He sighs, 'Doc, my wife asks me to do things around the house, and i just can't cope.
I try so hard to mow the lawn, or prune the hedges or even remove the leaves from the guttering, but i spend most of my time snoozing in my hammock.'
'I see,' replies the doctor. Well in layman's terms, you're a lazy mongrel.'
'Fair enough,' says Clarry, 'but what's the medical term, so i can tell my missus?'
 

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Speed.

3 young guys talking in a pub about what is the fastest thing on earth.

First guy reckons it a thought he claims that as soon as you have it it is in your brain.

Second guys says that is not right and he claims it is blinking nothing moves faster than when you blink

Third guys exclaims that they are both wrong and electricity is the fastest. As soon as you hit the switch on comes the light.

An old guy overhearing the conversation pipes up and tells all three of them they are wrong he claims it is diarrhea.

All three guys exclaim that is rubbish, no way can it be faster.

The old guy persists and states " The other night I woke up and before I could think, blink or turn on the light I'd shat myself"
 
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Drove through a drive-thru bank machine the other day to get some cash, and noticed braille marks on the keys!
 
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